Scaredy Girl

So, last night Audrina came out of her room, curled up on my lap and told me she was afraid of the monster in her closet. My mind flashed back to the last article I read about childrens fears. It said that you should validate the fear, take it seriously, comfort the child, and try to make them feel safe. So, I asked my little princess how big the monster was. "Oh, very big mommy. And scary. With lots of teeth." I held out my hands (about twelve inches apart) "this big honey?" (she, up on tiptoes with her arms in the air) "THIS big mommy." Oh good honey. The next time you hear the monster, you call me. I will grab one of daddy's swords and cut it's head off. Then we can boil out the brains and use the skull as a candy dish for Halloween! You love decorating for Halloween, don't you? Though I think we should probably get some paper bats, pumpkins to carve, and some fake cobwebs too. What do you think? She got all excited and went on for about an hour about Halloween cupcakes and putting a big castle in the front yard. Later, she told Harley that she glad mommy is scarier than all the monsters. We have not had a single nightmare since.

I Go Talking...After Midnight....

It appears that both children have inherited my somniloquy. Archer has begun his baby babbling in his sleep now, little whispering sounds. He mumbles "mamama" and kicks his little feet. Audrina usually seems to be dreaming about whatever tv show she watched while awake, or occasionally about wherever we went. Sometimes, I converse with people while I am sleeping. They usually figure it out, and understand that I am not awake. Part of me is glad that I am not the only one in the family that does it because I am afraid the children will ask me something while I am sleeping and I will give them some very disturbing answer some day.

Story Time For Cranky Brothers

Audrina has made a habit out of reading to Archer when he gets crabby now. It is the sweetest thing. So, I sat in to listen to story time. Audrina has an imagination like you would not believe! There were dragons, robots, dolls, magic cupcakes, monkeys, a flying carpet, talking computers, princesses, castles, dragonflies, you name it. One of these days I am going to catch this on video!

Story Time

As a result of my previous plan to have Audrina perform an act of kindness (reading to her brother, usually) instead of serving a time out, Audrina has learned that certain things make me happier. So, having decided not to wake me, she climbed into her brother's crib with a stack of books and had story time all by herself! I got to sleep in, and when I peeked into the kids' room, was delightfully surprised with an awesome display of sibling bonding. Some days, I just love being mom.

The Angry Void

Audrina has been acting out all week. Her new favorite thing to do is pee while in time out. I talked to the children's behavioral psychologist on Thursday about it, and apparently this, as well as a list of other possible choices for upsetting me, is all completely normal for such a major transition period.

Audrina is blaming us, and time outs have become somewhat useless. The psychologist told me to stand my ground and maintain the status quo for the household. Joy. I am hoping that this ends soon.

Boy Scout Kind of Girl

Our old apartment had blinds. Fortunately for us, the strings were generally too high to be a problem. I have purchased blind cord safety tabs to shorten the little nuisances, but apparently need to duct tape them together after putting them on. Audrina, sweet girl that she is, has demonstrated her knot tying skills several times this week.

I fear that the six inch long series of knots Audrina put into the blinds cords in her bedroom this week are an ill omen for the future of shoe tying lessons. Yes, I do believe I will continue buying my daughter velcro shoes until they stop making them in her size. The knots...you should have seen them. She actually managed a surgeons knot. At three and a half. Perhaps the boy scouts are a good idea for her. At least then she may limit the variety of knots in any one string item per demonstration of skill. Oy.

Archer was watching her rather enthusiastically, clapping and laughing. I shall never own Things With Strings ever again.

Dressy Dress Up Time

Last night, Harley and I were both working in the kitchen, preparing for the move. He was doing dishes, I was cleaning out cupboards. The living room was too quiet. When I went to investigate, I discovered that Audrina has dressed her brother...in her pretty pretty pink princess costume. After taking a few pictures, I rescued the poor boy. I think he ended up wearing every dress and tutu she owns. Not a happy baby!

Audrina: Future Real Estate Agent?

While I think both kids are a bit stressed about the move, and they have both been trying to make me lose my temper all week, Audrina has developed the extremely cute habit of giving tours to all of the potential renters viewing our apartment.

This is where you put your coats. You do not throw your coats in the living room. It makes mommy sad.

This is where you put your shoes so you do not make the house dirty.

This is my favorite truck. You can play with it if you want to, but you have to share nice.

This is mommy's kitchen. You need to ask before you go in there. Sometimes things are hot.

This is my dolly.

You have to see my room! I love my room! I have Tinkerbell.

I decided to just let her go with it. Anyone who doesn't think that my daughter is the cutest little salesgirl in the world is an asshole anyway and needs to suffer. Bob is showing the apartment again at five today. I am strongly considering video taping Audrina's "tour" de forceful.

Walkie Talkie

Archer and I had an entire conversation this morning. Not real words, of course. I was sitting down, and he toddled over, looked at me and said "Bah!" I responded with "urg" Archer parried with a "Blubb uss" which I met with "shhhh pop" and so on. For twenty minutes. When he lost interest. Either I have completely lost my mind, or I am the most fun ever.

Simm's Anatomy

Last night I was at work when I got a text from Harley. Audrina asked if he poops from where he pees. I had done a few little Q&As in how boys are different from girls, but apparently that particular conversation needs to have a full lesson plan. So now we have entered the age of fascination with physical differences. This week she has asked men about their penises, the neighbor about why she is black, and one woman if she was "a boy or a girl." She also told the neighbor girl that she "should go to her room to do that because it is not polite" when she saw Elizabeth (who is two) playing with her lady bits. I think I may require a script for the many directions this particular life lesson could take, primarily to avoid more awkward situations. Finally, my ability to overwhelm another human being with too much information has a useful purpose. I just know I am going to have an issue with her playing doctor.

Excuses to End A Time Out (By Audrina)

1. Have to pee.
2. Hungry.
3. Archer is touching my foot.
4. My chair is cold.
5. I want to cuddle.
6. I will be good this year.
7. Archer said I could get down.
8. My timer is buzzing and that means time out is over.
9. I love you! (As she is inching away from the chair).
10. I need to wash my hands.

Glad to be Home

Sometimes, I come home from work and both kids are sleeping. Or Archer sees me, starts screaming and Audrina contributes to the ruckus by yelling about how she wants milk. I brace myself before I walk in. Tonight was different. I came home, and both of them were happy to see me. Quietly. Peacefully. I snuggled Archer, who has taken to twisting one nipple while nursing on the other (if I take it away, he bites me) but he looked up at me with those big brown eyes and smiled, keeping those little pincers of his to himself. Audrina told me all about her day, how she wants to go somewhere, that she was happy that we had pictures, Harley made her a sandwich, Archer pooped. It was cute. It was Hallmark sweet. Tonight is the kind of night that never seems to happen. It was nice.

Napoleon Complex

The conventional wisdom is that Napoleon overcompensated for his short height by seeking power, war and conquest. He was not actually below average height. If he had been, I am sure he would have shot more than a few of his generals. Being of a child-like height results in others treating a person as if they have a comparable intelligence, sometimes as if every disagreement is a tantrum worthy of  the kindergarten set. I find it infuriating. It is so unfortunate that both of those perceptions tend to operate on a balancing scale in the perceptions of others.

If a petite person is kind, generous, and of a cheerful disposition, said person is treated as if their acumen is lacking. Others will treat true, valid anger from that person as a farce, nothing to be taken seriously. Insight honed after years of experience will be ignored as if coming from the mouth of some inept bar patron rhapsodizing on the state of government.

This is so unfortunate. I want to be nicer. I do. I have tried it experimentally on a few occasions but nothing got done and nobody took me seriously. On the third day I always lose my temper. Et voila! The house is clean and there are no crunchy socks lying in the middle of the living room. All of my belongings have miraculously been returned to me, albeit not in their proper places.

When I am being kind, I sincerely wish that simply asking were adequate, or quickly explaining a process. I find it unfortunate that if I am being nice, I must provide extra diagrams and defer to a higher authority on the subject. Why should I have to read the manual and find the proper page just to prove what I already know? It wastes so much time when it would be easier for everyone to just follow my instructions in the first place. If I were not absolutely certain, I would say so. When I stop being nice, this stressful extra work no longer becomes necessary.

I have frequently had much taller friends show a great deal of surprise when they realize that I am physically so small. Apparently, I project myself as a much larger person of my actual age, literally. I have been experimenting with maintaining a particular mood around new people I meet and having them guess both my age and height after the third meeting. New information is scrapped if I end up standing less than three feet within their personal radius. There is a six inch, seven year estimate discrepancy between kindness and my more normal seriousness. Perhaps this is why people earn a thousand dollars more per year per inch of additional height over the average. Is it the perceptions of their abilities, or the fact that more gets done when you don't have to convince your coworkers you are right?

How to Lose Five Pounds in a Single Shopping Trip

To lose five pounds in a single short shopping trip to Target, first you must have a preschooler and a toddler. You decide that the impending fourth birthday of said preschooler means that it is high time to ensure that the child learn to follow, sit, stay, and generally behave without the use of a restraining device. You put the baby in the cart seat, safely secured.

You must choose an item, say a printer cord, in a safe package that will not be harmed by repeated drops. Hand this to the baby. You are now playing a game I like to call "mommy fetch" the baby will find it very amusing to watch you pick the item up over and over as your shopping trip progresses. You will get twice as much exercise if you husband enjoys video games, as the electronics section is directly across from the aisles full of blinking, beeping, shrieking childrens' toys. Now that your attention is quite literally divided, you will double your calorie burn because the preschooler has escaped. You are still playing mommy fetch at this point. It should take about an hour to escape Lego Purgatory.

The rest of the store should be a breeze, until the checkout aisle is reached. Leave the unleashed preschooler to her own devices as you relay race to put all of your purchases on the conveyor, while doing your best to return all items which have been randomly thrown into the cart or on the conveyor by the older child in their places without allowing any of them to reach the cashier. This qualifies as the cardio portion of the workout.

For the cool down, forget what your rental car looks like and traverse the parking lot for about twenty minutes.

Mommy's Little Linebacker

Noor and I took the kids to the West Towne Mall yesterday, and decided to let them run around the play area to wear them out a bit. It is interesting watching them interact with the other children, watching Audrina play little dictator.

Archer was "adopted" by a little girl who wanted to take him home. She was about eight, and almost never left his side, holding his little hands and playing with him. All the mothers with babies ended up sitting next to us. Archer had a blast trying to chase his big sister around, but it was exhausting making sure he did not get trampled by the older children. I can tell he wants to climb on things. Oh boy.

Audrina found a nine year old boy she decided was a toy. My tiny little princess chased down, tackled, and pinned him. This was not a frail young man, either. She TACKLED him. She instinctively went for the knees. What have I done? How did this happen? Of course I made her apologize, but he thought it was cute. This does not bode well for the future. Not at all. Boys thinking it is cute when Audrina beats them up? I can only hope for the best case scenario of the teen years, which would be me making it through without a nervous breakdown.

Noor and Hi Bob

My friend Noor is Muslim, and wears a Hijab. She also loves kids. Audrina loves her back so much that she has adopted one of my skirts. Audrina puts the skirt around her head and calls it her Hi Bob so she can "be pretty like Noor" it is the cutest thing ever. Modesty is a lost art in this culture, and I cringe when I see little girls with their diapers hanging out from under miniskirts. Toddler pants with "Juicy" or "Pink" across the butt. What the hell are their parents thinking?

I don't want anyone thinking about my little girl and the word juicy at the same time. Also, why are there so many little girl tops that (on an adult) are designed to accentuate breasts? Audrina is not allowed to have breasts until she is at least thirteen, imaginary or otherwise. It is not cute, it is not feminine, it is not acceptable. There is a new word in the American lexicon for this kind of clothing choice on toddlers. Prostitots. Audrina will not be one of those girls. We aren't Muslim, and sometimes I wear clothing I would not want to see my daughter in, but she is not old enough for me to even consider some of the things I have seen other children wearing. Thongs for the 9-13 set? I can understand that, when you take into account the difficulties with leotards and tutus. I do. I was in gymnastics once. But do they need words? Do they need some of the words I have seen on them? Why would you want your nine year old wearing a thong that says "sexy" when that word is meant to describe a woman, or a man, but never a child?

I am anti-censorship by nature. I feel that (adults) should be free to make decisions for themselves, for their children, based on personal preference and culture. Given some of the things I have seen, perhaps they need fewer options.

Audrina will marry...

I just had a talk with Audrina about love and marriage because she has been insisting that she will one day marry her brother. Because he is cute, nice, shares well, and she loves him. Explaining romantic love to a three year old is like running through a field during a lightning storm. She now knows she definitely loves Archer, me, Harley, nana, poppa, her daddy, and Hannah. She changed her mind about who she is going to marry. Now she says she will marry her daddy. At least I know this is normal, otherwise it would just be creepy.

I also explained that sometimes girls marry girls and boys marry boys, but that there are mean people in the world who don't want them to. She said it should be more important to let people be happy and love. Ah, the wisdom of a three year old.

Archer at 9 and a half months

Archer is an observer. He is quiet, unassuming, and happy. Adults everywhere are impressed with his calm demeanor, even in hectic situations. He watches the world around him with a discerning eye. He smirks. He scrunches his little eyebrows together in consternation when his sister is running around being the embodiment of chaos. The little guy is learning, though. He is not just watching, he is actually paying attention. After he sees something done once or twice, he will try to do it himself. He figures things out quickly, and wants to try everything. He is a little scientist. Watching, waiting, experimenting.

Right now, Archer is learning to walk. This week he progressed from the Frankenstein shamble to the monkey dance. He holds his hands above his head and checks his balance by stepping backwards now. I can tell he wants to play with his sister. Today, I held his little hands as we chased her around the coffee table. Their laughter was like a song. A loud, high pitched song, vaguely out of tune.

Audrina at 3 years, 9 months

Audrina can best be described as boisterous. The dictionary defines the word thus:  rough and noisy; noisily jolly or rowdy; clamorous; unrestrained: the sound of boisterous laughter. That would pretty much cover Little Miss Anarchypants to a tee. She is a very happy, energetic child. Harley and I have to keep an eye on her in public so she does not alarm the other children with her tendency to hug, or "share." Oh, the look of horror in another mother's eyes when Audrina hands over her (prechewed) treats to some fortunate child or other. We are trying to teach her that some things are for sharing, while others are not. 

Audrina makes friends easily, and has no fear of not being accepted. I doubt she would notice if she were not welcomed by other children anyway. She jumps into situations head first, talking a mile-a-minute in her cheery little voice about things that have absolutely nothing to do with one another. The other children stare, dumbfounded, until she leaps up and demands they come play. They follow. She is the first to climb to the top, the first to leap off. She is fearless, except when it comes to things with more than four legs and zombies.  She is very adamant about how it is mommy's job to kill the spiders, zombies, and anything else that might be scary. I agree with this wholeheartedly, and my little girl knows that I would go to the ends of the earth to protect her.

She is a storyteller, an entertainer, our little comedienne. She is happiest when all eyes are on her, she lives for the attention. Her happy dance is something truly alarming to behold, consisting of spins, pirouettes, barrel rolls, and leaps. You have never witnessed a happier child.


Audrina has inherited my temper, however. She will beg, bribe, and try her best to convince an adult to forgo the time out and instead have an ice cream, but when it fails, oh my. She does not fling herself on the floor and flail as I have seen some children her age do. A logical explanation can usually stop her completely from any form of tantrum, but she does not like it at all when she does not win on account of cuteness. She has the most adorable angry face. It is very hard not to laugh when you see it, the little crossed arms, the pouting lip. She will tell you where to go (time out) and completely expect an adult to capitulate. 


Right now she is obsessed with learning the alphabet. She wants to be able to read to her little brother, and scrunches her little eyebrows together as she practices writing the letters. The girl does not lack for determination in any aspect of life.

Imaginary Timer

I gave Audrina a time out for destruction. She created an imaginary timer for the occasion. She wound it up, set the time to the three minutes she usually gets, and insistently said "Tick. Tick. Tick." until she decided that it had been three minutes, at which point she made a very alarming noise and tried to get out. It had been thirty seconds. She was very adamant about the time being correct.

Cocoa Baby

Archer had his first real experience with chocolate ice cream today. He did a happy baby dance after the first bite, and I am pretty sure it is the cutest thing I have ever seen. When it was gone, he was very upset. He looked at me like I had taken away his favorite toy for no good reason. Oh boy.

Moving

I am really worried about the impending move. Audrina is obviously stressed out about the whole thing, not wanting to sleep in her own room, worried about what will change. I have talked to her about it a few times, but I think the change itself is what is really bothering her, and children are so adept at perceiving parental stress. Unfortunately, this expresses itself with more bad behavior instead of less.

Harley and I called the landlord to try to get a copy of the 2006 lease because we discovered he has an electric bill for that year pertaining to an apartment he had moved out of to move here. We had absolutely no idea! I am terrified that this will not be resolved in time to have our application accepted for the cute little house I am so in love with. Hopefully his former roommate and landlord will help pay for it if the dispute I filed with Experian does not turn out in our favor. This is a holiday weekend and I am not sure when we will find out. I do not want to pay it if it might mean losing money on a bill we do not owe. I wish I knew someone who could tell me my options more clearly. The people at MG&E are not helpful at all. They think their computer system to be infallible, and say I must provide the exact date (in 2006!) on which Harley called to cancel the service. What kind of company continues to bill a person for service despite nonpayment, and no response to letters, for eight months? I am going to file a complaint through the Better Business Bureau. I have heard of so many people with erroneous billing from them that I think this might turn out favorably. Crossing my fingers.

Borderline overweight? I do not think so.

I took Audrina to a WIC appointment this week. After the nurse put her information into the computer, a message popped up saying she was borderline overweight. I was afraid at first that I might be one of the many American parents who can not define a weight problem in their own children, but the nurse took the note off immediately and said that she was obviously nowhere near that particular category.

My sweet little girl loves to run around like a crazy person, and for a three and a half year old, has an alarming amount of muscle definition. Sometimes I worry that she does not eat enough, that she drinks too much milk instead of eating real meals. I have known so many people throughout my life who struggle with weight issues that I never force my children to eat full, adult meals. Audrina has a snack drawer full of oatmeals, dried fruits, nuts, pretzels, and healthy cereals or granola. The bottom drawer in the fridge is also full of children's snacks; string cheese, lunch meats, fresh fruits, veggies, yogurts. I make her smoothies almost every day to ensure she gets enough fruit. I did keep track of the calories one day, just to make sure she was getting enough to eat because she seems so thin compared to the other children, and it was about one and a half times the recommended amount. She grew two inches that month, so I thought it must be fine that she was eating more. I am so glad the nurse was able to tell me immediately that Audrina did not have an unhealthy weight. I think I am doing the right thing by my children, allowing them to decide when they are hungry rather than forcing a schedule. It would have broken my heart to know I was somehow hurting her health.

Give Peas A Chance

I hear that other parents have difficulty getting their children to eat vegetables, especially peas. I just got clobbered by both kids begging for mine. Peas, soy sauce, olive oil, and pepper. Getting climbed on, pouty faces on both sides. I feel that I must see what other parents call "peas."

"Squeezy Cheese"

In a desperate attempt to make Easy Cheese (yes, cheese in a can) worthier of the snack drawer, I decided to start using it to write alphabet letters on Audrina's plate. This plan backfired today when my darling three year old told me she needed more cheese or she would never learn all the letters. Small children are smarter than anyone but a parent will ever give them credit for, especially when it comes to tricking adults into extra treats.

I am really starting to think that nutrition labels need options for size groupings like the D&D books have. A halfling should never eat as much as a human, so by that logic, Audrina can have two big letters and one small letter of cheese a day. I would tell her this, but I fear that she will insist on being measured eight times a day.