The conventional wisdom is that Napoleon overcompensated for his short height by seeking power, war and conquest. He was not actually below average height. If he had been, I am sure he would have shot more than a few of his generals. Being of a child-like height results in others treating a person as if they have a comparable intelligence, sometimes as if every disagreement is a tantrum worthy of the kindergarten set. I find it infuriating. It is so unfortunate that both of those perceptions tend to operate on a balancing scale in the perceptions of others.
If a petite person is kind, generous, and of a cheerful disposition, said person is treated as if their acumen is lacking. Others will treat true, valid anger from that person as a farce, nothing to be taken seriously. Insight honed after years of experience will be ignored as if coming from the mouth of some inept bar patron rhapsodizing on the state of government.
This is so unfortunate. I want to be nicer. I do. I have tried it experimentally on a few occasions but nothing got done and nobody took me seriously. On the third day I always lose my temper. Et voila! The house is clean and there are no crunchy socks lying in the middle of the living room. All of my belongings have miraculously been returned to me, albeit not in their proper places.
When I am being kind, I sincerely wish that simply asking were adequate, or quickly explaining a process. I find it unfortunate that if I am being nice, I must provide extra diagrams and defer to a higher authority on the subject. Why should I have to read the manual and find the proper page just to prove what I already know? It wastes so much time when it would be easier for everyone to just follow my instructions in the first place. If I were not absolutely certain, I would say so. When I stop being nice, this stressful extra work no longer becomes necessary.
I have frequently had much taller friends show a great deal of surprise when they realize that I am physically so small. Apparently, I project myself as a much larger person of my actual age, literally. I have been experimenting with maintaining a particular mood around new people I meet and having them guess both my age and height after the third meeting. New information is scrapped if I end up standing less than three feet within their personal radius. There is a six inch, seven year estimate discrepancy between kindness and my more normal seriousness. Perhaps this is why people earn a thousand dollars more per year per inch of additional height over the average. Is it the perceptions of their abilities, or the fact that more gets done when you don't have to convince your coworkers you are right?
Friday, July 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
How to Lose Five Pounds in a Single Shopping Trip
To lose five pounds in a single short shopping trip to Target, first you must have a preschooler and a toddler. You decide that the impending fourth birthday of said preschooler means that it is high time to ensure that the child learn to follow, sit, stay, and generally behave without the use of a restraining device. You put the baby in the cart seat, safely secured.
You must choose an item, say a printer cord, in a safe package that will not be harmed by repeated drops. Hand this to the baby. You are now playing a game I like to call "mommy fetch" the baby will find it very amusing to watch you pick the item up over and over as your shopping trip progresses. You will get twice as much exercise if you husband enjoys video games, as the electronics section is directly across from the aisles full of blinking, beeping, shrieking childrens' toys. Now that your attention is quite literally divided, you will double your calorie burn because the preschooler has escaped. You are still playing mommy fetch at this point. It should take about an hour to escape Lego Purgatory.
The rest of the store should be a breeze, until the checkout aisle is reached. Leave the unleashed preschooler to her own devices as you relay race to put all of your purchases on the conveyor, while doing your best to return all items which have been randomly thrown into the cart or on the conveyor by the older child in their places without allowing any of them to reach the cashier. This qualifies as the cardio portion of the workout.
For the cool down, forget what your rental car looks like and traverse the parking lot for about twenty minutes.
You must choose an item, say a printer cord, in a safe package that will not be harmed by repeated drops. Hand this to the baby. You are now playing a game I like to call "mommy fetch" the baby will find it very amusing to watch you pick the item up over and over as your shopping trip progresses. You will get twice as much exercise if you husband enjoys video games, as the electronics section is directly across from the aisles full of blinking, beeping, shrieking childrens' toys. Now that your attention is quite literally divided, you will double your calorie burn because the preschooler has escaped. You are still playing mommy fetch at this point. It should take about an hour to escape Lego Purgatory.
The rest of the store should be a breeze, until the checkout aisle is reached. Leave the unleashed preschooler to her own devices as you relay race to put all of your purchases on the conveyor, while doing your best to return all items which have been randomly thrown into the cart or on the conveyor by the older child in their places without allowing any of them to reach the cashier. This qualifies as the cardio portion of the workout.
For the cool down, forget what your rental car looks like and traverse the parking lot for about twenty minutes.
Mommy's Little Linebacker
Noor and I took the kids to the West Towne Mall yesterday, and decided to let them run around the play area to wear them out a bit. It is interesting watching them interact with the other children, watching Audrina play little dictator.
Archer was "adopted" by a little girl who wanted to take him home. She was about eight, and almost never left his side, holding his little hands and playing with him. All the mothers with babies ended up sitting next to us. Archer had a blast trying to chase his big sister around, but it was exhausting making sure he did not get trampled by the older children. I can tell he wants to climb on things. Oh boy.
Audrina found a nine year old boy she decided was a toy. My tiny little princess chased down, tackled, and pinned him. This was not a frail young man, either. She TACKLED him. She instinctively went for the knees. What have I done? How did this happen? Of course I made her apologize, but he thought it was cute. This does not bode well for the future. Not at all. Boys thinking it is cute when Audrina beats them up? I can only hope for the best case scenario of the teen years, which would be me making it through without a nervous breakdown.
Archer was "adopted" by a little girl who wanted to take him home. She was about eight, and almost never left his side, holding his little hands and playing with him. All the mothers with babies ended up sitting next to us. Archer had a blast trying to chase his big sister around, but it was exhausting making sure he did not get trampled by the older children. I can tell he wants to climb on things. Oh boy.
Audrina found a nine year old boy she decided was a toy. My tiny little princess chased down, tackled, and pinned him. This was not a frail young man, either. She TACKLED him. She instinctively went for the knees. What have I done? How did this happen? Of course I made her apologize, but he thought it was cute. This does not bode well for the future. Not at all. Boys thinking it is cute when Audrina beats them up? I can only hope for the best case scenario of the teen years, which would be me making it through without a nervous breakdown.
Noor and Hi Bob
My friend Noor is Muslim, and wears a Hijab. She also loves kids. Audrina loves her back so much that she has adopted one of my skirts. Audrina puts the skirt around her head and calls it her Hi Bob so she can "be pretty like Noor" it is the cutest thing ever. Modesty is a lost art in this culture, and I cringe when I see little girls with their diapers hanging out from under miniskirts. Toddler pants with "Juicy" or "Pink" across the butt. What the hell are their parents thinking?
I don't want anyone thinking about my little girl and the word juicy at the same time. Also, why are there so many little girl tops that (on an adult) are designed to accentuate breasts? Audrina is not allowed to have breasts until she is at least thirteen, imaginary or otherwise. It is not cute, it is not feminine, it is not acceptable. There is a new word in the American lexicon for this kind of clothing choice on toddlers. Prostitots. Audrina will not be one of those girls. We aren't Muslim, and sometimes I wear clothing I would not want to see my daughter in, but she is not old enough for me to even consider some of the things I have seen other children wearing. Thongs for the 9-13 set? I can understand that, when you take into account the difficulties with leotards and tutus. I do. I was in gymnastics once. But do they need words? Do they need some of the words I have seen on them? Why would you want your nine year old wearing a thong that says "sexy" when that word is meant to describe a woman, or a man, but never a child?
I am anti-censorship by nature. I feel that (adults) should be free to make decisions for themselves, for their children, based on personal preference and culture. Given some of the things I have seen, perhaps they need fewer options.
I don't want anyone thinking about my little girl and the word juicy at the same time. Also, why are there so many little girl tops that (on an adult) are designed to accentuate breasts? Audrina is not allowed to have breasts until she is at least thirteen, imaginary or otherwise. It is not cute, it is not feminine, it is not acceptable. There is a new word in the American lexicon for this kind of clothing choice on toddlers. Prostitots. Audrina will not be one of those girls. We aren't Muslim, and sometimes I wear clothing I would not want to see my daughter in, but she is not old enough for me to even consider some of the things I have seen other children wearing. Thongs for the 9-13 set? I can understand that, when you take into account the difficulties with leotards and tutus. I do. I was in gymnastics once. But do they need words? Do they need some of the words I have seen on them? Why would you want your nine year old wearing a thong that says "sexy" when that word is meant to describe a woman, or a man, but never a child?
I am anti-censorship by nature. I feel that (adults) should be free to make decisions for themselves, for their children, based on personal preference and culture. Given some of the things I have seen, perhaps they need fewer options.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Audrina will marry...
I just had a talk with Audrina about love and marriage because she has been insisting that she will one day marry her brother. Because he is cute, nice, shares well, and she loves him. Explaining romantic love to a three year old is like running through a field during a lightning storm. She now knows she definitely loves Archer, me, Harley, nana, poppa, her daddy, and Hannah. She changed her mind about who she is going to marry. Now she says she will marry her daddy. At least I know this is normal, otherwise it would just be creepy.
I also explained that sometimes girls marry girls and boys marry boys, but that there are mean people in the world who don't want them to. She said it should be more important to let people be happy and love. Ah, the wisdom of a three year old.
I also explained that sometimes girls marry girls and boys marry boys, but that there are mean people in the world who don't want them to. She said it should be more important to let people be happy and love. Ah, the wisdom of a three year old.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Archer at 9 and a half months
Archer is an observer. He is quiet, unassuming, and happy. Adults everywhere are impressed with his calm demeanor, even in hectic situations. He watches the world around him with a discerning eye. He smirks. He scrunches his little eyebrows together in consternation when his sister is running around being the embodiment of chaos. The little guy is learning, though. He is not just watching, he is actually paying attention. After he sees something done once or twice, he will try to do it himself. He figures things out quickly, and wants to try everything. He is a little scientist. Watching, waiting, experimenting.
Right now, Archer is learning to walk. This week he progressed from the Frankenstein shamble to the monkey dance. He holds his hands above his head and checks his balance by stepping backwards now. I can tell he wants to play with his sister. Today, I held his little hands as we chased her around the coffee table. Their laughter was like a song. A loud, high pitched song, vaguely out of tune.
Right now, Archer is learning to walk. This week he progressed from the Frankenstein shamble to the monkey dance. He holds his hands above his head and checks his balance by stepping backwards now. I can tell he wants to play with his sister. Today, I held his little hands as we chased her around the coffee table. Their laughter was like a song. A loud, high pitched song, vaguely out of tune.
Audrina at 3 years, 9 months
Audrina can best be described as boisterous. The dictionary defines the word thus: rough and noisy; noisily jolly or rowdy; clamorous; unrestrained: the sound of boisterous laughter. That would pretty much cover Little Miss Anarchypants to a tee. She is a very happy, energetic child. Harley and I have to keep an eye on her in public so she does not alarm the other children with her tendency to hug, or "share." Oh, the look of horror in another mother's eyes when Audrina hands over her (prechewed) treats to some fortunate child or other. We are trying to teach her that some things are for sharing, while others are not.
Audrina makes friends easily, and has no fear of not being accepted. I doubt she would notice if she were not welcomed by other children anyway. She jumps into situations head first, talking a mile-a-minute in her cheery little voice about things that have absolutely nothing to do with one another. The other children stare, dumbfounded, until she leaps up and demands they come play. They follow. She is the first to climb to the top, the first to leap off. She is fearless, except when it comes to things with more than four legs and zombies. She is very adamant about how it is mommy's job to kill the spiders, zombies, and anything else that might be scary. I agree with this wholeheartedly, and my little girl knows that I would go to the ends of the earth to protect her.
She is a storyteller, an entertainer, our little comedienne. She is happiest when all eyes are on her, she lives for the attention. Her happy dance is something truly alarming to behold, consisting of spins, pirouettes, barrel rolls, and leaps. You have never witnessed a happier child.
Audrina has inherited my temper, however. She will beg, bribe, and try her best to convince an adult to forgo the time out and instead have an ice cream, but when it fails, oh my. She does not fling herself on the floor and flail as I have seen some children her age do. A logical explanation can usually stop her completely from any form of tantrum, but she does not like it at all when she does not win on account of cuteness. She has the most adorable angry face. It is very hard not to laugh when you see it, the little crossed arms, the pouting lip. She will tell you where to go (time out) and completely expect an adult to capitulate.
Right now she is obsessed with learning the alphabet. She wants to be able to read to her little brother, and scrunches her little eyebrows together as she practices writing the letters. The girl does not lack for determination in any aspect of life.
Audrina makes friends easily, and has no fear of not being accepted. I doubt she would notice if she were not welcomed by other children anyway. She jumps into situations head first, talking a mile-a-minute in her cheery little voice about things that have absolutely nothing to do with one another. The other children stare, dumbfounded, until she leaps up and demands they come play. They follow. She is the first to climb to the top, the first to leap off. She is fearless, except when it comes to things with more than four legs and zombies. She is very adamant about how it is mommy's job to kill the spiders, zombies, and anything else that might be scary. I agree with this wholeheartedly, and my little girl knows that I would go to the ends of the earth to protect her.
She is a storyteller, an entertainer, our little comedienne. She is happiest when all eyes are on her, she lives for the attention. Her happy dance is something truly alarming to behold, consisting of spins, pirouettes, barrel rolls, and leaps. You have never witnessed a happier child.
Audrina has inherited my temper, however. She will beg, bribe, and try her best to convince an adult to forgo the time out and instead have an ice cream, but when it fails, oh my. She does not fling herself on the floor and flail as I have seen some children her age do. A logical explanation can usually stop her completely from any form of tantrum, but she does not like it at all when she does not win on account of cuteness. She has the most adorable angry face. It is very hard not to laugh when you see it, the little crossed arms, the pouting lip. She will tell you where to go (time out) and completely expect an adult to capitulate.
Right now she is obsessed with learning the alphabet. She wants to be able to read to her little brother, and scrunches her little eyebrows together as she practices writing the letters. The girl does not lack for determination in any aspect of life.
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